Acceptance: The Key To My Turnaround

In the last couple of blogs, I have ventured into speaking how prison has changed me. I have written that prison has literally saved me and has given me a second chance at living my life, even though my life before prison was full of really good moments. I spoke of a change in perspective that has led to a change in faith and a new sense of purpose. Sounds good so far, right?

But I didn’t include the other cause of my change: the very dark times. Change never really comes without a cost. While my narrative for the recent posts has been about the positive, it didn’t come without a long and difficult journey through the pains of anxiety, depression, insecurity, and severe loneliness. I’ll spare you the details, but to say the pain was excruciating would not be doing it justice. It was my pain but it was also being shared with my closest relationships. They were unsuspecting victims of the pain I only viewed myself subject to how wrong I was. It is no wonder I have so few left.

But this is not the story I want to tell today. Today I want to speak on what saved me. I don’t recall the actual day, but I remember the emotion…I was done losing. I didn’t like it growing up and I certainly was not a good loser when I did. Loss fueled my desire to not lose…if you know what I mean. But in prison, well, you lose a lot. You can fight it. Sure. You can go into denial about it. Of course. But what could I learn about the fact that I was losing ALOT?

I learned to accept it. The Bible speaks of surrender. I believe acceptance is like surrender. In a way, the truth was, I am not in control. The truth was, that things wouldn’t happen on my time or at my insistence. When I began to accept my circumstances, I also discovered a cure for my pain…find the wisdom.

I accept where I am. I accept the circumstances of how I got here. I didn’t have to like what happened and I am still actively involved with the courts to correct errors. But acceptance has led to forgiveness. Forgiving my own stubbornness and stupidity was my greatest challenge because I have to accept that my losses were mostly my fault. So I move forward now.

My anger is gone. It may sound contrary, but prison has loosened chains that were on me. Emotionally, spiritually, creatively, relationally, the list goes on and on. I have had more positive revelations in the past year than the six before it. I have renewed energy and hope for my future. While I am full of renewed patience, I can’t wait to get out and put my plans into drive!

I had a simple definition of success. Success was doing the best you can with what you have, where you are. In a sense, success is relative. But now I can add a word…Success is ACCEPTING the best you can do with what you have, where you are. Some days it is definitely easier said than done. But what does success IN PRISON look like anyway? I’ll write about some events that may fit my new definition.

I’ll save that story for next blog..if you’ll ACCEPT the slight delay.

-MB

Perspective On The Power of Prayer

In my last blog I wrote that being in prison had saved me. You may be asking how that could happen. It may take longer than a minute, but let me explain.

If you knew me before prison, you might say I had a lot going my way. You might have seen the family, the job, the possessions, and it all looked like a small piece of the American dream. But what you didn’t see were the struggles. You didn’t see the obstacles. You didn’t see the opportunities that were missed. You didn’t, but I lost sight of them too.

You see, I was like a sprinter in a hurdle race. Each hurdle I jumped over was behind me and the only thing I focused on was the finish line. I never looked back. I was chasing the dream but I had no idea of my purpose. The trials were just what I had to get through.

Prison changed everything.

I learned that trials have a way of helping us discover our purpose in life. I also learned that our past problems actually prepare us for future opportunities, not just today’s.

I learned to trust my God again. It wasn’t easy. I had to accept that sometimes God allows what his power could prevent. I came to understand that God was developing my character and honing skills that will serve me later in my life, but could only be done in here.

I am changed…and it changed the way I prayed. In my previous life, I would pray for an easy way out instead of the strength to make it through. Then something like a switch was flipped. I began to believe I should stop asking God to get me OUT of difficult circumstances and started asking him what he wanted me to GET out of this trial. I’m beginning to believe maybe prayer is more about changing our perspective than it is changing our circumstances.

All of us want every day to be a good day, but it is the bad days that allow us to appreciate the good days. Just like sickness help us appreciate health. Debt helps us appreciate wealth. Meaningless helps us appreciate purpose.

It never ceases to amaze me how the same adversity can affect two people so differently…what poisons one person’s attitude can motivate the other’s. This I know.

I also am convinced of this: Bad circumstances have a way of bringing the best out of us. Adversity is often a blessing in disguise. The more problems you have, the more potential you have to help people. I will be busy helping.

Next blog I will expand on what I think my future opportunities can be.

Until then I will just leave you with this unoriginal but powerful thought:

Someday we will owe God as many thank yous for the prayers he did not answer as the ones he did.

-MB

Accept, Relearn, Retool, And Plan For The Future…

In my last blog, I began to explain how coming to prison had such a significantly positive effect on my perspective on life that I made the statement, that coming here saved me. I also hinted at sharing a glimpse into what I perceive to be my future opportunities. To do that, I need to take a minute and share a thing or two I have learned about me.

Yes…I have spent a lot of time relearning about who I am and why, maybe, I do the things I do. No kidding. I dove into the science driving some of today’s trending psychology.

Doing the work, and being brutally honest with myself, I have found a unique opportunity to step back and perform personal autopsies of significant life events as well as my current time in prison. The result? Well, as they say, only time will tell.

But here’s what I know today. I believe it is the sense of destiny that helps me to accept the good or bad things that happen to me. In his book LEARNED OPTIMISM, Dr. Martin Seligman says that we all have an ”explanatory style” to account for the experiences of life. He says, ‘Explanatory style is the manner in which you habitually explain to yourself why events happen.”

I have come to understand that there are lots of different explanations for every experience. But owning your explanation is just as important as your experiences. As Dr. Seligman states, ”Your way of explaining events to yourself determines how helpless you become, or how energized, when you encounter everyday setbacks as well as momentous defeats.”

I have suffered one momentous defeat after another. Daily setbacks are part of my itinerary. But I no longer think as a victim. I no longer blame the system. I am here because I chose to fight rather than lay down. While I have been incarcerated, I have had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to look back, accept, relearn, retool, and plan for a future I never would have had a chance to do any other way. I have received a second chance many never get.

I have received a blessing and I plan on spreading the wealth.

More on this next blog. I can’t wait!

-MB

MAKING IT PERSONAL

I was recently given a suggestion to make my blog a little more personal. Maybe talk about my experiences more than give advice or sound like I am mentoring. OK. I can do that. After all, some of you may need to be reminded about where I am and why I write.

First off…I’m in prison…prison sucks…I’ll start with that! It is all you have heard and what movies and books portray it to be. Violence, coercion, intimidation, bigotry…and that’s just from the officers who are hired to keep us safe from each other. Prison isolates a person and induces sever negative psychological reactions: depression, anxiety, and PTSD to just name of few. And here is an interesting fact: it is BIG business. In fact, the Department of Corrections in my state of Florida is the largest employer in the state. And the courts work to keep the jails and prisons full. Don’t get me wrong, there are many, MANY, who deserve to be incarcerated. If you have been a victim of crime, you received a sense of justice when you knew that your perpetrator is behind bars. As you should. But what about the wrongly accused? What about the ones thrown in to this system and cannot pay the large fees of the lawyers? If you are willing to accept the idea that there is always two (or more) sides of the story, you might also be willing to accept the idea that the system is ripe with corruption and profiteers. Maybe, right? It could happen.

This isn’t about the system however. It is about me. And you want to know a secret?

I thank God for my experience in prison. It saved me.

How? Well, my minute is up. Come back next week for more.

-MB

Hitting the reset…

Anyone born before 1990 remembers life without the personal computer. We remember the days of making desk space for the TV-like monitors and other peripherals that changed our processes forever. Nowadays the younger generation can carry that same computer around in their pocket. The evolution of technology can be mind boggling.

I was recently thinking about some of the processes we got used to doing with our computers. One of those processes was the ”go to” for 99% of the computer’s problems. We could reset everything by hitting three button simultaneously: CTRL-ALT-DEL.

By pressing those three buttons, we could fix most of our computer problems. Printer not working? CTRL-ALT-DEL. Web browser slow to load? CTRL-ALT-DEL.

You know what I thought? We can still perform that fix today. But rather than hitting all three buttons at once, we need to slow the process just a bit to reflect. It goes like this:

CNTL: (control) – What do you really control? Why do you need to control it? Can you let it go? What would happen if you did?

ALT: (alternate) – What are your options? Are you stuck because of ego or pride? What if you truly exercised your ability to choose a different pathway?

DEL: (delete) – What negatives can you do without? What traditions of failure are you harboring? What would happen if you did some pruning and allowed for new growth?

As humans, we have an funny way of trying to be resilient in the face of difficulties. Research shows that we tend to double down on failing activities to save face rather than admit our error and move to correct it. Maybe sometimes we need to just hit those three buttons in a manner to allow for a much needed reset?

The next time you get stuck in process, I challenge you to rethink your situation by asking some of those questions above. Be flexible enough to rethink your possibilities. Be ready to accept change as a positive life event.

-MB

Does where you look, give a peek into how you live??

Quick question: if you are a runner, where do you spend most of your time looking while running?

This question came to me yesterday during a run of my own. There are three choices to the answer, I suppose:

1. You look at a fixed point in the distance.
2. You look down at a point ten feet in front of you.
3. You mix both views.

My analysis? Maybe what you fixate on when running can give you a peek into how you view life. Maybe if you fixate on the point in the distance you are a visionary. You are always working for some future event, reward, or possession. That’s great, but you’re missing what’s happening around you today. Or maybe you’re fixed on just getting through today, working on whats right in front of you with no concern for what’s ahead of you. But when you get to where you were headed, maybe it isn’t where you wanted to be.

Then there’s number three. You start out looking at a distance and shift back to what’s in front of you. By doing this you are always taking inventory, managing you breathing, and adjusting your pace in order to arrive at your intended destination.

The takeaway? Numbers 1 and 2 will work temporarily. But for the long run of life, choose number 3. It may be the obvious choice. But I have found that life can lull us into a trance and we tend to stare and get stuck. Today, I needed to remind myself to blink every once and a while. Maybe we all need this reminder. Keep running, manage you pace, and keep breathing!

-MB

Old Words…New Year’s Hope

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! But I HATE spending it in prison. In here, I battle with the demons of depression, and this year I feel my resilience waning. But I know God calls us to endure hardship without complaining, to love when others don’t, and to trust through the doubts. And as is usual, today through my struggle I found leadership in action.

Reading Psalm 62, I heard David say, ”For God alone my soul waits in silence” (v 1), and soon after I heard, ”For God alone, my soul, wait in silence.” (v 5). The verses seem similar but the difference shook me. He says something ABOUT his soul, then says something TO his soul. ”Waits in silence” is a decision…a state of mind. ”Wait in silence” is a reminder of that decision. He is telling his soul to trust. I needed to be reminded…again. Like David, I need to wait on God’s timing and trust.

Another year is ending, and I am again asking for your help with my legal fund. Three and a half years ago, I estimated a need of $40,000 to fight my case. At each turn, I hoped it would end earlier and less costly, but I am here again asking for help raising the final $4,000. If you are able, would you consider helping again? No amount is too small, but my appreciation of your gift will always be too great to truly express.

2022 has promise! May we all experience the promise and the freedom of God’s blessings.

-MB

The most precious gift

This week I share a prayer in the form of a song, sung beautifully by Anne Wilson. Download the song…play it more than a few times…through the pain of circumstances we can find peace in the hope of the season…if we truly believe the reason…here are the lyrics…scroll down for the takeaway. I would recommend listening to the song while reading the lyrics for the full effect. Do you have your music ready?? Okay let’s do this.

The choir’s singing carols,
bells are ringing, lights are bright.
It’s Christmas all around me,
so why is Christmas hard to find?
December snow is falling down, like I am to my knees.
I could use some hope right now,
’cause right now hope is hard to see.

Help me still believe.

I still believe in healing for the weary and the hurt.
And in a world that’s so divided,
I still believe in peace on earth.
I still believe that love is strong enough to conquer hate,
and for those who don’t believe it,
I still believe enough to say:

For God so loved this broken world
He sent his only son,
to a carpenter and a teenage girl
to show us all His love.
He left His home in Heaven
to make Heaven my home.
My Emmanuel is with me
and I’ll never be alone.
Down here, my heart can’t find much to believe in.
But I still believe in Christmas.

I still believe in Jesus, the name above all names.
A Savior in a manger, and a star that leads the way.

Help us all believe.

For God so loved this broken world
He sent his only son,
to a carpenter and a teenage girl
to show us all His love.
He left His home in Heaven
to make Heaven my home.
My Emmanuel is with me
and I’ll never be alone.
Down here, my heart can’t find much to believe in
But I still believe in Christmas.

Did it speak to you? Do you struggle today? Is it hard to see Christmas in our broken world? Then give a gift to someone this year that will help them…and you. Give the gift of gratitude, tell someone how thankful you are for their influence in your life. Tell someone that they inspired you. Tell someone that you appreciate the sacrifices they made for you.

Their heart will receive the best ”gift” of the season, your love. And when you give love, you’ll feel better too!

You have helped me continue my fight and chance to go home to my family. I have been touched by your love. Thank you. Really, thank YOU!

Merry Christmas. God bless us all. Everyone.

-MB

Life Question: Do you surf or do you ride the wave?

Author and speaker Mark Sanborn has a metaphor for life he wrote about. He wrote that if you wanted to see a great example of how to live in challenging times, watch a surfer. He explained that a surfer does not create the environment, ”but interacts with the water to create the outcomes they desire.” The surfer is not in control, but chooses the right combination of skill and timing to gain enough control to really enjoy the ride.

I challenge everyone reading this to watch a documentary on big wave surfer, Laird Hamilton, called ”Take Every Wave”. If not the whole video, just watch the last 5 minutes and 47 seconds. Why? Becauseit visually shows the awesomeness of living a life Sanborn spoke of. Hamilton’s story is unique in a sense that he is not your typical surfer. He is someone searching for a deeper connection with a power greater than him. Through innovation, tenacity, and fortunate collaboration, Hamilton defies enormous odds to accomplish his goal.

Most surfers will tell you about their ‘perfect’ wave: a decent sized wave that they rode for 15-30 seconds. Hamilton’s biopic ends with him riding his perfect wave: a monster wave above deadly reefs that he rides for over 5 and a half minutes! Incredible to watch from the birdseye camera angle, you have to see it to understand this week’s takeaway.

Here it is: Most of us are just surfing in life. We have abilities to do so much more, but are content with a 15 second ride on a so-so wave. If we worked to improved our abilities, our relationships, our drive, and maybe even our faith, we might just be able to realize the awesomeness of riding a massive wave for minutes, not seconds and ”interacting with the water” to get the outcomes we truly desire.

So do you want to surf? Or do you want to ride the wave of your dreams and interact with something more powerful than you to experience the awesomeness of a life well lived? Me? I’m paddling out from shore right now. C’mon man, the waters fine!

Aloha!

-MB

LEMON WITH YOUR WATER?

We’ve all heard the saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It’s a nice thought. Taking something negative and making a positive…but I recently had a thought to change my perspective on this old adage.

In this case, it is obvious that the lemon represents struggle. To make lemonade, let’s say enough to share, you need more than a few lemons…so metaphorically speaking, you need a lot of struggles before you attempt to change your attitude or situation.

Then you need sugar…a cup?…two?…how sweet do you want it? Again, metaphorically sugar is the changing agent we need to make the struggle positive. But science says sugar is not really good for us. And worse yet are the artificial sweeteners…yuck! This so-called ‘sugar’ can come in the form of our favorite enabler who will tell us that everything will be OK…this too will pass…take two of these and call me in the morning. Like science says, maybe ”sugar’ isn’t helpful all the time. Former Seal and ultra-fitness professional, Dave Coggins says this of that ‘sugar’:

”A lot of us surround ourselves with people who speak to our desire for comfort, who would rather treat the pain of our wounds and prevent further injury than help us callous over them and try again. We need to surround ourselves with people who will tell us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear, but at the same time not make us feel we’re up against the impossible.”

What made me think of this you may ask? Well, the other day I enjoyed my first lemon in over six years. The first thing I did was to put a slice in my water. My favorite drink is water with lemon. Just, ask anyone that has sat with me at a restaurant. But while enjoying the water I had this thought: If lemon represents struggle and the water represents life as we may know it (essential but not special, or in need of something to make it more bearable), then the whole lemonade thing may be a bit much.

Here’s the takeaway.

We really shouldn’t wait for life to dump on us enough to make lemonade..and we certainly don’t need all the ‘sugar’, enablers want to give out. No, we need to embrace the struggles in our life and deal with them before they blow up. Just as small burns prevent larger forest fires, so too can embracing struggle as part of life…and leave the sugar out of it. Water with lemon is a proven dietary aid and it makes boring ol’ water more enjoyable. Add a little lemon to your life. Enjoy the simplicity and save some time (and a lot of unnecessary sugar)!

-MB