Life has a funny way of mocking our attempt to avoid the obvious, doesn’t it? The title for this blog is often used to describe that awkward situation that develops when individuals decide to ignore something obvious because they feel it might be embarrassing for the other party. In reality, the so-called gorilla is most always more like a chimp than a Kong. Unfortunately for most people, they create the image without really testing the water, so to say. Because they THINK the subject matter is going to be uncomfortable, it becomes uncomfortable TO THEM. The result of this mirage is often a missed opportunity to make a positive impact on someone’s day.

Case in point, a conversation I had recently with my son Evan. It seems he notices that people don’t want to ASK how the family is doing while I am in prison. They love to say hello and ask about other things, but he told me that he senses most people seem to want to ask, but don’t. It may be that some feel my sons don’t want to talk about our situation, or maybe they don’t want to succumb to a potentially draining conversation of negativity. But both presumptions are the epitome of our gorilla friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are many that ask about the family, the case, and how we are getting along. But many don’t. It’s understandable. Thinking about it, I probably would do the same thing. But here’s the kicker: my sons would love for you to ask. They would love to tell you about the positive things that have, and are, happening. They would appreciate your concern and your willingness to show that you care…that you remember. Don’t worry, you won’t be expected to do it all the time. But the point here is that we welcome the conversation. We are not afraid to tell our story. Some might even find it an inspiration of sorts. I have an amazing family.

Author and speaker Mark Sanborn put it like this: “Most of the things we fear in our lives are not nearly as scary as we imagine when we finally confront them.”. Take a shot. You only live once. Are you a man (or woman) or a mouse? All of those clichés dare you to step up to the plate, as we Barnes’ like to say. What do you have to say to that big, bad gorilla?

C’mon…I dare you!

Thank you for all of the prayers. Please help by sharing this post with someone who you think might want to know, but may be afraid to ask. We welcome the conversation and appreciate all the love that has been shown to us during this difficult time. Because of your support, we are strong.

 

One of the habits I’ve developed in prison is one I probably will not give up when I go home: keeping a daily calendar. At first it was initiated as a way to keep track of legal deadlines and communication with my attorneys. But it quickly escalated into a tracker for requests made to the institution, medical treatments, a journal of workouts, letters to and from home, as well as birthdays, special dates, and anniversaries. Yesterday, October 23rd was one of those days. It was the day in 2015, five full years ago, that I was given the worst news of my life. Not a very good day to want to remember, but it’s on my calendar.

So I did a poll to find out how many guys remember the day they knew they were going to prison. Why? I wanted to find out if what I do is, well, normal. The results? I don’t think I’m normal. While 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed may recommend Crest with fluoride for their patients, 4 out of 5 inmates cannot recall the day they either pleaded guilty or, like me, heard the jury’s fateful decision. I asked 52 random guys for their date. Only 9 remembered. Of the nine, seven have been in prison less than two years so it is fresh in their minds.

So you want to know what went through my mind when I realized my “anniversary”? Well, at first, I thought of how much I have lost since that day. I remembered that feeling in my gut. I remembered my sense of despair and panic of the unknown. Then something else came to mind: I counted my blessings. And you know what? While prison sucks in so many ways, the experience has allowed me to grow in so many ways that I wouldn’t have any other way. While I would absolutely trade this experience, I would negotiate to keep the lessons, if you know what I mean.

So what’s a life lesson you learned out of hardship? Do you think back to that time to refresh your memory and relearn your lesson? Or do you prefer to move on and try to forget the reason for your unique memory? My question to you: Why forget anything? Life deals all of us cards and we are supposed to play all of them. There is a reason and a process for pain just like there is for the wins in our lives. Miss those opportunities and you might just think life is not fair and you’ll become resentful and angry and miss all the good. Without the dark, you wouldn’t know light. Without the cold you wouldn’t understand hot. If there is nothing bad, how do you really appreciate the good?

I thank God for my lessons, easy and difficult. Because at the end of the day, I am so very thankful for the good in my life today and in the days to come. So, I want to spend a minute remembering the good people around me. For their help and support, EB, Ust, Lisa, Denise, Ray, Jack, Joe, Alex, and Linda. For support of my legal defense recently, Beth D, Deb A, Kennel and Allison, Kelly T, Debbie K, Sue S, Barry D, Dee M, RC, and Rhianna G.

Thank you.

And for those not mentioned, but always in my corner praying their hearts out, I know you and I thank God for all of you too.

So take a minute and remember a lesson, and count a blessing…and tell someone how important they are to you. I did it. You can do it. It’s worth it.

 

It has been said that people often need to be reminded more than they need to be taught. Recently a new reader of this blog was looking for some information about my case and what specifically I am fighting. It got me to think that it might be a good idea to take a quick break from the current cycle of blogs and rewind a bit. It is always a good idea to remind your people why you are doing what you do.

So here goes… being brief but (hopefully) thorough enough for you to understand what and why I am fighting for.

* In 2015, I went to trial to fight allegations that I misappropriated (stole) money from an employer. This, after 4 years of legal battles before the court and multiple changes in district attorneys and judges that began in 2011.

* At trial, first degree scheming was thrown out for lack of evidence…but lost when the jury found me guilty of second degree theft. The punishment for going to trial and losing? The maximum sentence of 15 years (12 yrs in prison, 3 yrs probation).

But there was a few errors in the trial. Two of the biggest errors happened without my trial attorney defending me against them. That is why I am seeking a new trial. In this country and in the state of Florida, citizens are protected to receive a fair representation at trial. NOT perfect, mind you, but competent defense. There are standards and rules that must be followed and I am saying that rules were broken and standards were not met.

* First, the charge of scheming to defraud is about conduct. If the state can prove that there was a consistent course of conduct, or I did the same thing, or had the same intent for all of the alleged thefts, then they could add all the charges together to raise the level of the charge to increase the penalty. The state wanted to prove this, but couldn’t. And so that charge was thrown out on the first day of the trial. Good right? Well hold on, because here is where it might get a little complicated…and it is the reason I am still fighting.

* When thefts are bundled together together with a charge of scheming to defraud, ALL the charges become one act and one amount. So basically thousands of credit card transactions for, let’s say $100,000, now become one act of theft for over $100,000 (1st degree felony). Here’s the clincher…when there is no charge of scheming to defraud, ALL THE TRANSACTIONS SHOULD BECOME UNBUNDLED AND BE TREATED AS INDIVIDUAL THEFTS. As, such, the state must prove each one and the penalty for each depends on the amount of theft (i.e., petit theft, misdemeanor, or felony).

* In my trial, the court threw out the scheme charge and all the alleged incidents of theft should have become unbundled…BUT THEY DIDN’T!!! THE STATE CARRIED ON THE TRIAL JUST AS IF THE CHARGE WAS STILL INTACT…AND THE JUDGE GAVE THE JURY SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS TO ADD TOGETHER THE CHARGES.

* Multiple rulings in multiple cases in multiple jurisdictions back up my case that these were errors that my trial attorney should have argued against, but didn’t.

* Before entering into this legal battle, I interviewed several prominent and experienced attornies in this state, and all agreed with my findings. This alone was the only reason I moved ahead with the case. I would never ask for your money or your prayers if my accusations were frivolous.

* I have two cases before the appeals court at this time. One dealing with my trial attorney and one dealing with my appeal attorney, both who missed the errors.

* With the help of my sons, a GoFundMe campaign was started on July of 2018 to bring these errors to the attention of the court and to seek relief from the court in the form of a new trial. The original estimate to take this to court was $40,000. To date, with your help and the help of many others, the campaign has raised over 70% of our goal. As you can see, I could still use a lot of help.

If this attempt at being short and sweet raises a few questions, email me directly and I will gladly answer your question(s) in detail. In short, I have been a victim of errors in a court designed with rules and procedures to be fair. These errors prevented that from happening and has caused me to spend the last FIVE YEARS in prison fighting the errors.

Please consider helping me. Please share this with anyone you know… and please pray with me for God’s mercy and the court doing the right thing.

I recently came across this editorial about the current business environment and it kicked me in the gut:
“You are not what you do. You are WHY you do it. This is an especially important distinction today. The WHAT and the WHY are two different things – and if you confuse the two, then you are not prepared for change. You will be disoriented and rocked, unable to envision a way forward. But if you see WHAT and WHY as separate, then you become more adaptable. You become less afraid. You feel more in control.”

The writer then goes on to explain how people have responded to their WHAT changing in today’s crazy social environment and how the people that stayed true to their “WHY” have succeeded in navigating this ever changing environment. Reading this, I begged to ask an important question:

What if your “WHY” changes?

What if the central reason you did everything for a long time, now just wasn’t there anymore? And what if your “WHAT” that you are currently putting a lot of time and effort exposes this major flaw in the philosophy of the all-important “why”? What do you do? Anyone? Help!

Welcome to my conundrum.

I’ve been working with some guys to expand our outlook on things while incarcerated. We are working through the idea that a perspective focused on the positive can enable more positive emotions to drive our thoughts and actions, even while encamped in a difficult and often negative environment of prison. It was all coming together nicely until I asked myself a critical question – why am I doing this?

It was then that I realized that my “why” had…well, it’s not there anymore. It’s changed. I have always looked outward for my “why”. Looking inward always seemed selfish and was less fulfilling. But when I see things as they are now, rather than as they could be, I feel I have little choice but to rethink what I need here. I haven’t had to think about that for years. But I now believe that your “why” can be forcibly changed, just as any “what” can be. And I haven’t read any quick fixes for this dilemma.

So now what? Well, I’ll keep breathing. I’ll continue to limp for a while. But I’m going to keep trying to help these guys if they’ll let me. Honestly, they’ll probably help me more than they know. After all, as a famous Greek man once said, fortune favors the brave.

BTW, did you make someone smile last week? Good. Do it this week too. See if you feel a little better, maybe smile a little longer. Because there are a lot of people hurting out there and we are wearing expressions that make people think we are ok – but we’re not. You may be the only reason we get to smile…and we all need that.

If you are a repeat offender to this blog, you are probably aware of my interest in the relatively young branch of “positive psychology” and the research into the idea of “well-being”. If not, find some of my writings from last Fall and get a quick introduction. (Link) I have had my fire rekindled thanks to some writings sent by my sister…thanks Nise.

Recently I introduced a group of men to this idea and the writings behind the science. Yes, there is a lot of science and research into the idea of happiness and well-being. The fire in my belly rages because I just find it so needed in today’s world, individually and corporately. And I belive it is a concept that can be easily expressed and tested with positive results. But I’ll get to some of that later.

For me it started with a single sentence. In his book, “Are You Fully Charged”, author Tom Rath wrote this to poke me into action:

“Demands coming at you from others will always consume some portion of your day. Yet in most cases, what you will be most proud of a decade from now will not be anything that was a result of you simply responding. WHAT WILL MATTER IN LIFE IS WHAT YOU INITIATE TODAY…”

So I jumped feet first. I invited six guys from different backgrounds, circumstances, religions, and time left in prison to be involved in something groundbreaking. I promised nothing except the opportunity to do something that could postively impact their lives, and the lives of others in their lives. It was like shooting fish in a bucket.

Then the idea was presented…that they are going to be challenged to find meaning and purpose in their lives and be an example to people around them. Remember, we are in prison. This is NOT the place to break the mold set for us. But you know what? These guys jumped too! I am either the greatest salesman in the world (I am not), or these guys saw the impact they can have and are excited (they did and they are).

So what do we do? We read the same material and come together to discuss and debate. We share experiences and memories stoked by our readings. I facilitate discussions with targeted questions, some from the books and some from prison life itself. Then we agree on an action plan for the week. Research, so to say.

My idea was to keep the meetings to under an hour. Attention spans can be challenging in here. But I find we run WAY over the allotted time, with guys often running to get back their room before the officers walk by at count time. Some discussions have even continued after count was completed until lights out. I mean, these guys are hungry for this information. It is so awesome to feel the energy from this initiative. I am driving again, if you know what I mean.

So you want to join my little group?

I’ve already enlisted my sons in this program, although they were unknowingly lab rats. Hee-hee. More on that next blog. If you want in, I will ask a small favor from you. Respond to this blog when you complete the task and let me know how it made YOU feel. OK? Here it is: for one day, do things to make people smile.

I can’t wait to hear your responses.

If you like, you can do like some others and email me directly. Just go to JPay.com and set up an account. I am listed under Michael Barnes, DC# H47408. Stamps to email me are only 0.39¢. What a deal. Right? I know…crazy!

I will expand on my son’s experience as lab rats next blog. The stories will make YOU smile. I know I did!

Until then, consider this:
“Happiness will come TO you when it comes FROM you.” – Tim Fargo

Well, here I sit again writing my thoughts, hoping to make some sense. Trying to find flow in prison is a difficult task. It’s just not a place to allow for the expression or creativity to find a groove. But some days, man, there is just not enough of those minutes (that I wrote about in the last blog) where it is all flowing downhill. I love those times.

How far ahead do you think when you think of time? Do you have something you’re focused on next week? Next month? Are you close to retirement or finishing school in the next couple of years? Or do you just focus on getting through today? We all look at time a little differently, don’t we?

In prison, I’ve recently been paying attention to how guys in here view time. Like you, it’s all about perspective. We may not watch a clock, but people schedule workouts around chow. Phone calls are done after count. Your time on the rec field is every other morning. That’s how the schedule works in here. But there is a unique perspective I don’t think many people know about: going home time. In here we call it EOS (end of sentence).

Hearing guys talk about January 2023 or March 2028 like its right around the corner. Some guys break it down differently, like two more football seasons or three more Summers. But the difference, I think, is that there are few in here who think about today. Today is not a day to be remembered. Not a day to seize the opportunities for improvement or meaning. I think it goes a long way to explain why tobacco, drugs, and other illegal activities still thrive in prison. There is a strong desire to get through as many “todays” as fast as possible without thinking how many are left until EOS.

For me, I’m focused on deadlines and filing dates for my legal briefs. I’m focused on each day like I’m going home in a few months. I know this is very dangerous territory. Hope is a very dangerous emotion. Hope, and the loss of it, have affected my family and friends alike. But I CAN’T quit. So while I look ahead, I stay laser-focused on today. “Today” is where I do my best work. It is my intrinsic motivation to do something meaningful today that helps me get to tomorrow.

So where are you on the calender of life? Two weeks ahead or five years back? Are you working for a better tomorrow? Or are you just trying to get through today? Time. What a peculiar thing, huh?

Just remember to be thankful for your time. Some people don’t have that opportunity anymore. And be thankful to the people who have helped you in times of need. For me? I have a lot of people to thank. Recently, I need to say thanks to Linda and Mike B, Tony and Nancy M, Mike “Ski”, Taylor B, Melissa T, Nick M, Kevin F, Derek Mc, Franny, Ellie, and Michelle. You guys all have shown love to me and supported this effort to get me home. One day, HOPEFULLY soon, I can properly thank each of you. Of course, EB and Ust and the rest of my family. You all rock. You are my rock. Thank you.

Read my full story on my GoFundMe and please help by sharing and donating. Especially now with two appeals moving forward, and being in the home stretch, things just got more expensive.

I was recently speaking to my son about some of the trials I’m currently dealing with head-on. I spent the weekend prepping for a phone call with my attorney to discuss the final briefs on my appeals. Spending time in my case file is a surefire path to my Dr. Jekyl. I feel the pain all over again and I wear it on my sleeve. I’m short-fused and my patience for people is negligible. I dwell so hard that I am physically affected by the anguish. I hurt.
But, here is the lesson that my phone call taught me…(yes, I still am learning things. It’s a habit that I like about myself. I just wish some of the lessons were easier.) Anyway, I was discussing my crappy weekend and my need to compartmentalize my time. I shared with him a perspective I had found interesting in a book called “Fortitude”, by former SEAL and current US Representative from Texas, Dan Crenshaw. Dan speaks of how he dealt with BUD/S (SEALs training) and why some didn’t, and failed. Here’s what he wrote:

“In BUD/S, its all about the next ten minutes. Sometimes its about the next thirty seconds. If your thinking about BUD/S in its entirety – six brutal months – then the thought is simply too much. The men who quit are the men who look up at the day before them and see all the days to come…and suddenly, because they imagine the months-long suffering they will inevitably face, they break.

So you focus on the next ten minutes.”

So after taking a few minutes, my son tells me, “Dad, you can’t get to that tenth minute if you don’t do the first minute.” Such a wisened young man! It set me straight. When it is hard in here, I can only focus on the next minute. Get through that one, and then focus on the next. There are days when those minutes fly by. We all have them. Let’s all be thankful for those times. But some days like this past weekend, not so much. But it was a learning opportunity.

So as I work the deadlines hoping for my lottery ticket out of here, I’ll work those minutes. One at a time. I will not stop to count them. Not yet. That is something I will do when I am out.

Please share my story (Go Fund Me) and return next week for an update. I need your help. If you pray, please include my family. If you think my story should be heard by others, please share it with them and invite them to follow my fight to get home.

Fortes Fortuna Adivat

I’ve heard it said that prison stinks of despair—what a crock. If prison stinks of any emotion, it’s fear: fear of the guards, fear of being beaten or stabbed, fear of being forgotten by those who once loved you and may or may not anymore. But mostly, I think it’s fear of time and of those dark things that dwell in the unexplained corners of the mind. Doing time, they call it—what a joke. I’ve been down long enough to know the reality. It’s the time that does you.

I’m still fighting time. I still get really frustrated. A case in point is the phenomenon known as the lazy judge. The one who won’t make a judicial decision against a fellow judge. A judge who would instead push the decision to the higher courts so if a reversal is made, they can still save some face. The system is full of them.

Rules of court procedure for my motion state, informally, that if I make a claim of an error made by the trial court, unless the claim is deemed frivolous by the judge or rebuked by the court record, it should be considered true. The process begins (and ends) with the judge.

In short, I filed a claim of trial error, which was validated by the judge. Good so far, right. Oh, that process took eleven months because the judge did not rule right away. He took his time, you could say. The next step is for both sides to file written arguments to be reviewed by the judge. Process time after multiple extensions by both parties? Another five months. You see what I mean about the time thing?

Here’s the interesting piece of this story. If I file a claim of error (I did), which the judge does not deem frivolous (he didn’t), and it cannot be refuted by the court record (it couldn’t), the judge is supposed to grant a hearing so all parties can meet in one room to work it out.

My judge did everything according to procedure – except grant the hearing. He basically said, “No,” and I could ask the higher court to make the decision to schedule the hearing. Total time required for this process so far? A smidgen over two years with the promise of another 3 – 6 months to invest in the next stage. But it’s not the judge’s time to do. Its mine…and my family’s.

Doing time. The State is poised to get as much time from me as possible. I am not alone, though. There are thousands of people just like me stuck in this system of delay, delay, deny. Many don’t have the means to continue their fight, so they become stuck.

I am not stuck. I have people like you who still want to see this case resolved correctly and want to help any way they are able. Please spread the word by sharing my GoFundMe page with my complete story.

Check back weekly to this blog for updates on my case and my take on events behind the wire.

“Keep swinging. Keep breathing. Never, ever give up.”

Someone once said, “It is in suffering that we are withdrawn from the sway of time and of mere things, and find ourselves in the presence of a profounder truth.”

So what does that mean exactly?

For me, it’s a wake up call. The past few months have dealt significant emotional distress upon me. I found solace in hibernation, of sorts. But the “profounder truth” is – that is not me. That is not how I am wired. Giving up and giving in is just not something I am good at. In fact, I’ll even admit it as one of my greatest faults. I don’t like quitting. So here I go again, hat in hand asking you to help me to continue fighting.

You know my story…I am fighting to get home. If you are not that familiar with my story, you can read it here: (GoFundMe1 & #2 GoFundMe2 (most recent)).

Here is where we are as of today, August 1, 2020:
– Started GFM campaign in July 2018 seeking $40,000 for legal fees. To date, about 70% of goal has been raised.
– Two motions are pending in Court of Appeals and decisions are expected this Fall.
– I need your help to finish this fight. I need prayers and I still need funding.

You can regularly visit my blog to get weekly updates and some behind-the-scenes stories. (http://mylifeinside.home.blog)

Please share this page….please pray for my family… please help me he home.

Thank you.

Buyer’s remorse.

That’s what it’s called when you get something you think you wanted, but then realize it is not what you thought it would be. We all experience it. How many items are in our kitchen that we thought would add to culinary arsenal, only to end up in the back of the bottom cabinet? The hand blender that promised perfect puree. The knife set that could cut a can. The non-stick frying pan that just didn’t live up to the hype. Yeah, we’ve all been subjected to buyer’s remorse.

I have found that you even are subject to it in prison. The “Italian Meat Sauce and noodles” dinner on the menu is NOT spaghetti with marinara sauce…like you would think. The opportunity to “exercise your custody” is nothing more than having a job picking up trash on the side of a lonely, country road. And returning to Lawtey has proven to exhaust the sense of value I once felt it offered to me.

Coming back promised being closer to home for visits. But that won’t happen. Being back promised teaching classes that I worked hard to start from scratch. But now they just want me to teach the canned information that the state put together. (Can you say indoctrination?) Coming back offered an opportunity to be among “like-minded” individuals doing time in a constructive manner. But, being among the new millennials who defy authority and use prison as a badge of honor for their “thug-life” approach to the world is closer to the truth-thanks to the new entry requirements provided by the system.

But I can’t get a refund. I can only be patient on my court cases and pray to God for some mercy and relief, because the courts won’t do it on their own. If the court agrees with me? I can get out and go on to my second life. Since I’ve lost everything while in here, there’s not much to build on. But at least that eliminates the buyer’s remorse I probably would’ve had. Everything happens for a reason, right?

If they don’t? Ugh…I can move to another facility and have some more of the same. But I am not ready to quit just yet.

I still need help. I REALLY need prayers. I wouldn’t even mind a few emails or cards from those of you who have reached out to me in the recent past. Communication is something that I miss the most. If you can help in any way…now more than ever, I need some help.

Visit my GoFundMe for more information, and share the GFM and the blog to others. A little click and a forward won’t hurt anyone! Regardless of what someone else says.