I think I forgot how to celebrate.

May was a banner month for the Barnes family. On May 5th, our son Austin graduated from the University of Florida with his Bachelors of Science degree. Family and friends gathered to celebrate. I didn’t.

Mother’s Day weekend the family returned to Lakeland to celebrate remembrance of Life celebration for our beloved Gill on Saturday. Then there was a Mother’s Day brunch on Sunday. It was a great weekend to see old friends and catch up on life events. I didn’t.

On May 19th our son Evan as his longtime girlfriend to be his wife and she said “YES”! What a great day! Once again, the family was gathered in Lakeland with friends to celebrate this awesome occasion. I didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I WANT to celebrate. But I can’t seem to start my engine without sputtering to an abrupt halt. Prison will do that to you. Continue reading “A little life update…” →

There’s a saying I’ve heard that I like to use: “People need to be reminded more than they need to be taught.” I’ve always been on the giving end of that wise advice. But recently, the very same advice I liked to give full circle to remind me of the gifts we often overlook.

To set the stage, I am at a prison that has the reputation as being the “best” prison in the state. It has this reputation because of the opportunities for educational rehabilitation and others, unique from most other prisons in the state. There are classes offered to inmates ranging from a very successful GED program, multiple Faith studies, business trade vocations, and entrepreneurial and leadership programs.

The facility is also known as one of the safer prisons because of its process of admission. In most cases, inmates here are selected by the administration in Tallahassee because they show tendancies to accept positive behavior modification as part of their incarceration. This process also excludes inmates with violent charges, previous behavioral issues, and long-term sentences. It also has a policy of removing inmates from the facility if they do not adhere to the stricter standards required by the administration.

Add to the relatively ” relaxed” state on the compound. An ability to earn the opportunity to live in an “honor dorm” that provides multiple study rooms, TV rooms, and two-man cells, as opposed to the open bay, single TV dorms. If you live in this dorm, you know that it is an entirely different way to do your time. It is a privilege unknown to most prisons and only available to about 15% of the inmates at this facility. So, to be able to say you live in the best dorm at the best camp in the state is truly a blessing after you have seen the worst of the worst at other camps in the state. Believe me; I’ve been through a few of them.

My situation for the past two and a half years has been better than most. For one thing, I have had the ability to have a couple jobs that have been both challenging and rewarding. I was a teacher in the GED program, personally helping men receive the high school diploma they gave up on me years ago. That opportunity was truly humbling to me because I had always taken education for granted. I have always had access to quality education and never really had the immovable obstacles impeding my goal of a college education. That’s not the same for everyone. Additionally, for the past year I have been the clerk in the maintenance department helping to organize and maintain the processes of the facilities troubleshooting department. This job most inmates would bend over backwards to have. Secondly, not only do I live in the “honor dorm,” I have my own room. One of the two rooms set up for a single inmate. It does have some disadvantages. It is directly across the hall from the hallway’s night light and the telephone. It is located next door to the TV room in a high-traffic area and has no air circulation. But regardless of all the negatives, I have my own room.

So, you can understand how I could have said that I had one of the best jobs on the compound, and I live in the best room, in the best dorm, at the best facility in the state. Going back to the opening premise you might ask, “what did you to be reminded of?” Well, I needed to be reminded of how blessed I was. I’m reminded that I can become a “number in the process.” I needed reminding that I could find the positive in every situation, not just the favorable ones. It took a few days to realize these things, but sometimes that which is easy is not always good,

On Monday I was moved out of my room without notice. I was moved into a new room down the hall and giving a bed on the top bunk. The inmate living in my new location was living on the edge on the compound and not in a good way. He was a hustler, running with other inmates who I did not associate with, and had a reputation for getting into things that could possibly compromise him staying at this facility. To say he was “sketchy” would be a nice way of saying it. Plus, he talked a lot… I mean he didn’t like NOT to talk. UGH! To make matters worse, the question everyone was asking me was, “What did you do?” To say I was quickly becoming agitated and about to explode was understatement.

But a couple of things were working in my favor at the same time. For one, I was told of the move about 15 minutes before dinner and secondly, I had to teach a class immediately after dinner. I didn’t have much time to do anything but get my stuff out of my old quarters and into a new one. While walking to dinner and then to class, I had the opportunity to talk with a few people whom I respect. Then I was able to process the move during the class that evening. By the time I got back to my new room, my mind and my perspective had changed. I realized I had the privilege to have that room for 2 years. It was now time to move on and make the best of this new situation. I prayed for two things: continued protection in the new environment and that I’ll quickly learn the lesson I was presented with. I understand challenges make us stronger, but I was curious to learn the reason why. With a prayer delivered and a new outlook, I put the move behind me.

For two nights, I climbed up and down from the top bunk. I didn’t like it, but what I I realized that I was right in front of a window that provided that was cool and helped me sleep. The room was darker because it was not in front of the hallway light. It was quieter because I was away from the TV room and the high traffic area. My new bunkie had the same sleep and wake schedule that I had so I never felt uncomfortable about going to bed or waking up too early. While he had his flaws, he was just another guy who was abandoned by his family and was just plain lonely. We had a very open discussion about my concerns with his reputation and we gained a mutual understanding of personal respect. Things were working out. LESSON #1: I was reminded that things aren’t always as bad as they seem it first.

The day after my move, I was called into my boss’s office shortly after arriving at my desk. In the room where the major and one of the sergeants from the compound. It seems that more than a few people inquired as to the reason for the move and look to rectify the situation. They explained my good track record of behavior and responsibilities and asked the major for his assistance. I was quite moved at their willingness to help me. Being in prison, I have learned that there are many who only care about their own situation. The old saying in here is “no one is doing my time for me, except me.” LESSON #2: I was reminded that there are some good people in the world, even in bad places.

For 2 days I still have people asking me about my move. My response was that I didn’t know the reason why I was moved, but I explained the good things that I witnessed because of the change in my environment. They were surprised that my good attitude and most told me so. They appreciated my optimistic perspective in an environment where most people would still be complaining and looking to blame someone. Knowing I was helping others see the positive side of change made me feel good. It reinforced my decision the silver lining I often teaching in my classes. LESSON #3: I was reminded that I choose my attitude in any situation, to help her hurt me; in my attitude can promote or pollute other people’s attitudes.

On Wednesday afternoon, after 36 hours of disruption. I was moved back into my old room. I had a unique opportunity to see things only an event like that could provide. Later that night, as I sat in my too loud, too bright, too busy, too hot, single room, I was reminded of the request I made to God to “help me quickly learn the lesson of the move.” I had to laugh to myself because if he had a face, we all know what it looks like. We all make the same face to others when we want to tell them “C’mon man, you know the answer to that. Duh!” I did. I needed to be reminded. Blessings come to us daily and summer so minor we tend to forget them and are chase for something bigger. My eyes are again open and receptive to being more mindful of them. What about you? Do you need to be reminded of the small blessings?

Take a minute today to consider changing your perspective and attitude. Then I challenge you to finish, “Life is too short to…” and post a reply as a comment on this blog. Maybe today is your day to inspire someone. Maybe you need to be reminded of how bad it could be, or maybe how good you really do have it. I’m curious.

 

Time in prison can pass very slowly. I work to stay bust and keep my mind occupied so the enemy in my head cannot lay any roots. That is the hardest part of prison, and at all times I fail to play defense. I’ve begun a new round of classes and added a new one – a continuing education class for teachers. It sounds so funny to me at times. Here I am in prison, but I still push the envelope on “what can be.” I have been working for the last six months to upgrade some of the programs offered to the inmates. Besides being outdated and becoming irrelevant, the teachers were caught in the “doom-loop” of dull routine. I’ve never been very good at accepting the status quo, not even here. To my delight (and surprise), the program directors bought in to the idea and allowed me to build the team and develop the program to make the upgrades. I think part of God’s plan is keep me busy, so I don’t keep bothering him to move faster…HA!

As far as my legal case goes, my motions have been filed with the court. But we have had to ask for some additional time to receive and renew the State Attorney’s records. I have been waiting for almost two months for the State Attorney’s office to send me their court record. No one seems to be in a rush. While my motions to the court are to prove that my attorney was ineffective in defending me, I also believe I can show the State didn’t act properly either. It centers on the hard drive from my work computer. In my time there, I kept every communication. I was aware how important keeping such records could be.

In my case, I had the emails that showed the communication on key points of the accusations made against me, my raise, my bonus, travel costs, etc. During the early stages of the case, I had asked for copies of my emails going back to 2006. When I only received copies back to 2008, I realized that I had received copies from the company server – not my computer. It was obvious to me, because in 2008, I was responsible for updating the system, which included the servers. My hard drive predated the server upgrade. So, I asked the court (and the judge approved) for a certified copy of my hard drive. Since my accusers claimed they had removed the computer from the office immediately after letting me go, it should not have been corrupted.

After a battle with the State to obtain records off the hard drive, they finally relented and allowed the Polk County Sheriff’s Office cybercrime division to make a certified copy of the hard drive. My trial attorney told me that the drive was wiped clean, but that we had enough from the other email cache to prove our points. I trusted his experience, although I wasn’t feeling very good about the decision. Look back, I should have pushed harder. If the drive actually shows no information, my trial attorney looks bad for not bringing that up in trial. If the State Attorney’s file shows there was information on it, the State is in violation of court rules. If neither has record of the hard drive, then they both have a problems since it was court ordered.

So here I continue to sit, waiting for judicial system to work through its processes designed to punish first and liberate, only if necessary. It is very difficult to remain patient and I get very frustrated. Our family is separated and struggling, holding fast to a faith in a system. That seems to be the very enemy. I have to admit; I don’t get it sometimes. I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but this should not be so difficult. But it is.

I recently read the book “Proof of Heaven” by Dr. Eben Alexander and it got me thinking. The book is a first-person account of “near-death experience.” What’s remarkable about the book is, Dr. Alexander is a well-respected Neurosurgeon. He not only writes about the experience from a patient’s perspective, but also from a cynical, clinician’s experience having dealt with the phenomena with countless patients. The book is a very detailed (almost too detailed) account of his body’s traumatic physical battle with bacterial meningitis, as well as his out-of-body meetings with “angelic” beings and the “Divine” creator. What was more interesting to me was his change in perspective as a physician, and his change in attitude as a human being. His outlook on life was radically changed, for the better, I would guess.

In the immediate aftermath of the book, I had a conversation with a guy in here who I teach a class with. I’ll call him “Jack.” Jack is “enjoying” his second trip through the system due to his inability to control his impulses, it happens…don’t judge. He’s actually one of the dew that knows he messed up and is working hard to correct his flaws. Anyhow, the conversation centered on getting out of prison and how we would react to our new perspective. His experience was that a few hours after he was released the first time, he was standing in his kitchen at his home and had a moment where he looked around and said, “Did that really just happen? Was it all just a bad dream or what?” Funny, but not so funny.

I began to think how I would. React. I. could understand Jack’s perspective of the “WTF” moment. Bit I immediately also though of Dr. Alexander’s change in perspective too. Prison can be thought of as a near-death experience. I know that I am forever a changed man. I don’t think I can ever go back to who I was before prison. That fact isn’t really a bad thing. Some people may actually like be better! But I also know that I won’t take for granted the things like I did before. I know I will be more “present”. With people. I will cherish the little things. I will love stronger and make impressions that are worthy of lasting. I can appreciate the near-death experience. You might even say a part of me actually died in here. But what is life without the appreciated of death?

What about you? Do you have an appreciation for death? Do you take the time to just breathe it all in, or are you rushing through life thinking everything else will wait for you to find whatever it is that you’re looking for? Are you like the rich man in the Bible parable? Some call this the “rich fool” parable. Read Luke 12:14-21. Are you living for tomorrow instead of being present for the people around you today? You could be making a very costly mistake.

I did. I’m not going to point fingers at anyone for doing it either. It’s so easy to get caught up in the craziness of our life. But if death is an absence of life, I am suffering a very slow and painful death experience. So you could say that I’m in the middle of a near-death experience. Unlike the many who have experienced one of these, I know I will be getting out of mine sooner than later. When I do, I will live with a new set of senses…the mind of a child…a renewed heart. This is too hard a lesson not to apply.

My advice? Live. Love. Laugh. Repeat.

This past weekend I was reading a story about a company’s decision to close its doors amid the “booming” American economy. But the story’s main theme wasn’t about the company deciding to close, rather it dealt with how the bigger company ran up bills for products and services when it had no intention on paying the smaller companies that were supplying those goods. The article focused on the companies negatively affected by the shutdown and the obvious caveat for the small business to be careful who you do business with and the need to be on constant alert for fraud from their “parents.”

Having been in the business world for some time, I first shrugged off the article as another attempt to characterize the “evil, rich businesses,” because any manager worth his salt would see the obvious signs of a company on the verge of closing. There are telltale signs of imminent bankruptcy. The business relationship will show obvious signs. First orders are robust and showing great promise only to begin to slow with time. The change in business is attributed “other” things, not the relationship. What follows is a series of ups and downs and the once strong relationship shows the obvious cracks that allow mistrust and skepticism to become more prevalent. Then payments are more erratic, excuses continue to grow. It’s not long after when the inevitable happens. Obvious signs, right? But it still happens every day, and every day we blame the other company.

The sad thing is what’s happening in business is also what’s happening in relationships. Either we don’t want to deal with the facts and confront the issues, or the other party won’t accept the responsibility for their actions. Think about it. All relationships start out strong. There is a sense of newness and commonality that is fresh to our stale lives. But over time, things begin to change. They are as obvious as the above-mentioned changes in the business relationship. Something changes. Cracks begin to show. Priorities get realigned. A “white lie” here, a “forgotten” commitment there, the relationship beings to resemble more of a social contract than a friendship. Guess what? We still blame the other person.

So how do we protect ourselves? In prison I see the individual mentality of the “convict.” The code is very simple in here. Relationships are driven by need. In a deprived society, people will do whatever they need to do what they have to, to get what they need. Prison is no different. Trade for drugs? No problem. Sex for security? It happens. Even friendships are considered tokens to be exchanged when needed. “Inmates” struggle with this reality. The “convict,” however, has lived through it and is well-aware that the only way to survive is to act alone but with purpose. A convict will say things like, nobody’s doing my time but me,” or “let me do me.” It sounds like a lame attempt at sounding tough, but the fact is it is the only wat to get through prison without giving up some of your “self.”

Maybe we can learn a lesson from the convict. Everyone lies but few will own it. Everyone will do what is best for him or her first. Don’t bother calling them out on it, they’ll just lie and make up an excuse. We just need to see it as it is and be prepared to shelve our feelings and move on. In the end, there is only one person we can count on. There will be only one person who will show up. There I will be only one person who can’t lie to you. Aer you desperate to find this person? The mirror is the only place you will find them-unless you lie to yourself. Then, well, you can blame the guy in the mirror.

Last week I began to wrist about my issues with the legal system and how those complexities were probably the reasons I ended up in prison. But the more I thought about what I wrote, I wondered if anyone really cared. I mean, I was speaking to my sister over the weekend about the details of my current motions before the court and realized how confusing and complicated my case is. I spent the better part of thirty minutes just discussing one of the details—and she is one of the ones that has been talking with me about this from the beginning. So, I thought to myself, maybe I’m wasting time writing about it. Most people just want to know if I did the crime or not, right? People just don’t care about the details anymore.

I heard from a good friend of mine last week. In his email to me, he realized that it had been over two years since we last spoke. Actually, it was more than three but what’s a year or two between friends? I think people are so wrapped up in their own things that if you’re not popping up on the social media feeds every once and a while—well, out of sight out of mind. In here, I am definitely out of sight. I just thank God for the people that remember me like the above-mentioned friend.

I’m struggling this week. Hope is a very dangerous think in prison. In his book, Good to Great, Jim Collins writes about what he calls the Stockdale Paradox. Collins interviewed James Stockdale, who was the highest-ranking American serviceman held at one of the worst prisons during the Vietnam War. Collins asked Stockdale a question about other prisoners that did not survive. Collins wanted to get Stockdale’s perspective on why some, like him, survived while others broke and never came home. Stockdale’s answer was “hope.” He recalled how the North Vietnamese would make up stories about serviceman going home only to retract their story. Repeatedly, the enemy would set the stage for a return home for these men. Over and over, the day came and went, and the men were still prisoners. Stockdale says that the hope began to diminish until the men were finally beaten mentally and gave up. What is the Stockdale Paradox? Well, Collins says it is dealing with the brutal realities of today, while at the same time never losing hope in the future.

I can understand how those men felt. I’m battling with hope. I’m battling with the reality of how much work still needs to be done. I’m battling with some of my relationships. I’m batting with a lack of faith. What’s worse is I battle alone. It’s just the way it is. No one in here is going to care. They have their own battles to fight. No one on the outside is going to help. They really just don’t understand. They want to help with clichés and sound bites: “stay strong,” “keep your head up,” and “you’re doing so good.” Some days those work and other…well they don’t. Right now, they don’t.

In the middle of a fight, you don’t have time to think. You can only react and keep swinging. I’ll keep swinging, but I’m getting winded and my arms are tired. Keep swinging…keep breathing…keep swinging…

Hope sucks.

The legal system is a very intricate system of rules and processes. I’ve tried to think of a comparative process that you may understand it better, but I’m stumped. There really is nothing like it. Try reading a legal document and you will begin to understand my dilemma. I mean, they have their own language for God’s sake! The writings of Shakespeare, Chaucer, and Longfellow are easier to understand than the language of the law! It is my opinion that the current legal system is the modern-day equivalent of the early church. While the early church was guilty of keeping the Bible from the “common people” in order to keep order, todays legal system complicates the process so much that we have to work tirelessly to understand what the definition of “is” is. My current case before the court is my attempt to unravel a plate of spaghetti into individuals strand of pasta.

Talk to anyone who has been through the legal system and you will hear stories that come directly out of a John Grisham book. The reality is the system provided Grisham his best ideas. The power of the State is its ability to pile on charges and force the defendant to cut the deal in order to break a person. The accused thinks that by pleading to the lesser offenses, they got a deal. Most of the time, they are caught in a very intimidating game of poker. I didn’t follow the rules of the game and was severely punished.

To begin to understand my case, you first have to understand that what you are charged with and what you are convicted of are two different things. But the two processes are woven together so intricately that if you do not consider how they relate to each other, you could be missing the key to your freedom. In my situation, I face three different charges and was convicted on two. The one charge that I was not convicted of is now proving to be my golden ticket.

Let me set the stage. I managed the operations for a large eye clinic. In the corporate flow chart, the doctors were above me and everything else was below. I oversaw everything from A-Z. Great job, Right? Well, now I know how exposed that position left me. When things went south, I was facing accusations of misappropriating funds through hundreds of “unauthorized” transactions. There was no forensic accounting completed. An independent investigation was never conducted. My bosses just gave certain cherry-picked records to the State investigator and said, “we didn’t authorize this.” Remember, the State’s intimidation comes through piling on charges. Even if I didn’t do payroll and even if I did submit every receipt for the credit card charges, because I oversaw all operations, I was the perfect target. The only thing needed was the guys above me to say, “I don’t remember” or “I don’t recall” and the State could fire away.

Here is where the plot thickens a little bit more. I was charged with scheming to defraud (organization), grand theft (theft), and money laundering. There are very serious charges. The maximum time if convicted of all three? Seventy years. Now think about this. If you were in this situation and the State offered you two years in prison, you would consider it, right? Two years vs seventy sounds a lot better doesn’t it? If I did that deal, I would’ve been home a year and a half ago. I’ve got to say, now that sounds a lot better.

On the first day of my trial, the State told the court that they would not prosecute me on the charge of scheming to defraud. They couldn’t prove there was “one course of conduct” involved with the hundreds of transactions. What does that mean? It means that they could not prove that everything they said I did was organized or showed any pattern of behavior to allege the activities were planned. Bu here is where an experienced attorney would have earned his fee. Why? Simple. Without the organization charge, you cannot add together different events. Why do they add different events? To raise the level of the crime in order to increase the level of the punishment. The whole house of cards should have begun to unravel, and the State should have had to prove each one of the hundreds of transactions as acts of theft. But they didn’t want that. They knew it would be a lot harder to prove their case. What did they do? They used the complexities and confusion of the law to blind and confuse my attorney. They carried on the trial like they still had the organization charge, and my attorney fell right into the trap of letting them do it.

Confused yet? Yeah, I was too. I’ll begin to clear the smoke in my next blog.

One of the things I do here in prison is facilitate institutional programs designed for rehabilitation. Recently in a class, I used the John Maxwell quote:

“Show me a man’s friends and I’ll show you the man.”

Sometimes a man needs to stop and take stock of his life. Well, I’m lucky man No, wait. I am a blessed man. Luck is for those who work hard to prepare for the right opportunity. When I look at my life, both in the past and recent times, I can only be astonished at the people I have had around me.

There are many guys who have been left for dead by their family and friends. Don’t be mistaken, most have done their part to sever the relationships. Drug, alcohol, and other impulsive addictions have created a large population of the unwanted. There are days that I fell empathy because they are human, but other days I see how they have created their own reality. I am muddled into the mix; I live among the unwanted. It can be a very impressionable environment if you allow it to be.

But I am reminded that I am not unwanted.

I have brothers and sisters who love me. Even when they didn’t fully understand what happened, they still opened their hearts and reached out. They sought to understand rather than pass premature judgement, even when understanding wasn’t easy. They are actively involved in my life, sending money, letters, photos, books, and magazines. They are also working their networks to get others involved in my continued legal battle. Without our family, who are we really.

I have two sons that have stepped up in many ways that it is hard to remember when they were “boys.” Incarceration like mine has leveled weaker families. However, my sons have worked together to actually make ours stronger. While I am doing time with men their age and younger, Evan and Austin are not only working to establish themselves at work or putting themselves through college, but they are working to help their mother and me. This blog, the GoFundMe effort, interviews with attorneys…none of it would have been possible if the boys didn’t do it. Moreover, they inspire me to stay strong. They amaze me.

Then there is my wife, Maria. There is a Luke Combs song on the radio that I swear is about her. From the coffee to wine, to falling asleep on the cough…yeah, that’s my wife. But she loves me unconditionally and she will not let me go. When I was feeling unworthy or just trying to speed up what I felt was inevitable after witnessing other inmates’ relationships fail, I tried to convince her to end ours. I am so happy that she is a lot smarter than I am. To use an overused line from a movie, she really does complete me. Word don’t come close…she just does. I couldn’t be me without her.

As I move into another legal battle, people may ask why I do it. If you had what I have, you would fight like hell to get back to it. You’ve read some of the most important reasons why I am doing it. That is why I ask for help so many times. This is why I push. Just like the toys from Misfit Island, I want to be held by someone who loves me. What else can someone ask for?

To go back to the initial thought of the blog, look at who surrounds me. I am a blessed man.

Thanks to everyone who continuously prays and is actively helping out. Until next time.  -MB